Gotta get me an *.edu

I have been wisc'd away and is now living in 'sin. No need to be hopping mad' about it 'son.

Get ahold of yourself!

If you aren't yet out of the closet and need someone to talk to, you can bi-query-us.

Lady Gotcha

I am not bluffin' with my muffin; this cupcake was delicious!

We could make it a hexagon...

"And I was, like, sitting there thinking, 'That girl is so FUCKING cute.' Turns out I had met her at a party the night before. Seriously, it was the drama llama's super-secret love pentagon attack!"

It is so fast!

Rust never sleeps. But if he had known, what would Neil Young have sang now that Chrome always burns?

Way Down In France

There is nothing like getting lost on foot in Paris. Well...I guess zombies make anything worse.

Corporate Whore

If you utilize prostitutes, are you buy-sexual?

The wound is 'Afghanistan'.

If Allah didn't mean for me to pick this scab, then why did I grow fingernails?

Impeach This!

It only takes one person to stand up and say 'No'. A singular voice ripping down the establishment, uncovering secrets. Unfortunately, there is always a Linda Tripp fucking things up for the rest of us.

Choices

Sometimes all I want to do is kiss you. Sometimes I really just want to shoot you. Oh, why do I have to be so conflicted, Zombie Lover?!

Your place or mine?

How to make a mixed drinking buddy: 1 part Woody Allen, 1 part Madeline Albright, serve chilled on the Rock.

Mad World

I met Time at a party. I got her number but she hasn't called me back. Seems like I have been waiting 25 years.

And Take That Vibrator Out Of Your Pocket!

I can lie to myself. I can say that you don't matter to me, anymore. But Dammit, It is not OK for someone your age to be seen reading "The Scarlet Letter" in public!

So Tasty

Every once in a while you have an Earth-shattering epiphany. It is life changing, world-altering. What if? What if we take the 'root' out of Root Beer Float?

Freak

Sometimes, in the morning, I stand naked in front of the mirror and smile. Then I look down. Mamma said I would outgrow the webbing. Mamma was wrong.

Craigslist

Somewhere beneath this fat, desiccated cocoon there is a beautiful butterfly waiting to emerge. Someone get the Raid.

Picture it, Status 1922

Television is lame and stupid. Why doesn't the Hallmark channel have the good sense to show 'Golden Girls' on the weekends as well as the weeknights?!

Total Babe

If justice is blind, I'll start learning sign language.

Anderson Cooper 360

Since you left, I'll never be the same. Now, I can't stop masturbating to CNN. (We'll always have Hurricane Katrina.)

Irons in the Fire

'Brand: Me' is not just a way of communicating. If you want, we can also make it a sex act.

Mr. James K. Polk

When I say 'I love you', you know I mean that I claim vast territories of the United States without you.

Life on Mars?

Don't you hate it when someone cute wears too much make-up? Oh Well, I guess we all make exceptions for David Bowie.

Nabokov's Dogs

Read the book; See the Movie; Live the Dream: Lolita.

Roman Heritage

How do I tell her, "Girl, you are the hottest thing since Cleopatra?"

Publish Post