Choices

Sometimes all I want to do is kiss you. Sometimes I really just want to shoot you. Oh, why do I have to be so conflicted, Zombie Lover?!

Your place or mine?

How to make a mixed drinking buddy: 1 part Woody Allen, 1 part Madeline Albright, serve chilled on the Rock.

Mad World

I met Time at a party. I got her number but she hasn't called me back. Seems like I have been waiting 25 years.

And Take That Vibrator Out Of Your Pocket!

I can lie to myself. I can say that you don't matter to me, anymore. But Dammit, It is not OK for someone your age to be seen reading "The Scarlet Letter" in public!

So Tasty

Every once in a while you have an Earth-shattering epiphany. It is life changing, world-altering. What if? What if we take the 'root' out of Root Beer Float?

Freak

Sometimes, in the morning, I stand naked in front of the mirror and smile. Then I look down. Mamma said I would outgrow the webbing. Mamma was wrong.

Craigslist

Somewhere beneath this fat, desiccated cocoon there is a beautiful butterfly waiting to emerge. Someone get the Raid.

Picture it, Status 1922

Television is lame and stupid. Why doesn't the Hallmark channel have the good sense to show 'Golden Girls' on the weekends as well as the weeknights?!

Total Babe

If justice is blind, I'll start learning sign language.

Anderson Cooper 360

Since you left, I'll never be the same. Now, I can't stop masturbating to CNN. (We'll always have Hurricane Katrina.)