Craigslist

Somewhere beneath this fat, desiccated cocoon there is a beautiful butterfly waiting to emerge. Someone get the Raid.

Picture it, Status 1922

Television is lame and stupid. Why doesn't the Hallmark channel have the good sense to show 'Golden Girls' on the weekends as well as the weeknights?!

Total Babe

If justice is blind, I'll start learning sign language.

Anderson Cooper 360

Since you left, I'll never be the same. Now, I can't stop masturbating to CNN. (We'll always have Hurricane Katrina.)

Irons in the Fire

'Brand: Me' is not just a way of communicating. If you want, we can also make it a sex act.

Mr. James K. Polk

When I say 'I love you', you know I mean that I claim vast territories of the United States without you.

Life on Mars?

Don't you hate it when someone cute wears too much make-up? Oh Well, I guess we all make exceptions for David Bowie.

Nabokov's Dogs

Read the book; See the Movie; Live the Dream: Lolita.

Roman Heritage

How do I tell her, "Girl, you are the hottest thing since Cleopatra?"

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